The other day I passed by the L. Ron Hubbard Stress test people at the Times Square station. Normally I would pass by and think, “Man, I want a stress test” and continue walking to the 2/3 train. But this day I was with Cynthea and said aloud “Man, I want a stress test…and a FREE Dianetics book,” “You should ask for one,” says Cynthea. So we headed over there to con a free book from these people.
They are good. Too good.
Before I could bring up the book- which they had at least 50 copies there- a rather pushy girl tells me to “Sit Down! I’ll give you a stress test”. That was half of what I wanted so I sat. She handed me two medal batons with wires leading to what liked very old decibel meter. She told me to think of something stressful. I thought of the germs that must have been on the batons but when the meter shot up she asked, “What are you thinking of ?” for fear of later being blackmailed I confessed, “My bike.”
“Oh? What stress do you have with your bike?”
“I ride in traffic.”
“Is that stressful?”
“yes.”
I didn’t want to tell something personal but I also didn’t want her to think I was mocking her because then I’d never get the free Dianetics book. I continued with the questioning. The meter shot up- not sure how cus I wasn’t thinking anything. She asked, “What are you thinking about now?
“Um my parents.”
“What is it about your parents that makes you stressed?”
“I’m not sure.”
Little did I know that this was exactly the right answer. She added, “do you ever get stressed out and you just don’t know why?”
“Yeah! But I’m not sure why.”
“Then I want you to read the back of this book”
She handed me Dianetics (yes!). I skimmed the back- it was about being stressed and not knowing why, bla bla, Dianetics will help you..bla.
“It’s a suggested donation of 8 dollars”
”Oh…suggested donation?” I say.
“Of 8 dollars.”
“Oh but I don’t have 8 dollars”
“Do you have 8 dollars between the both of you?”
“no.”
“do you have a credit card or a debt card?
“oh um no, sorry”
Abort. As we were leaving she added “I want you to get 8 dollars and came back and buy this book- I think it will really change your life.”
So I still really want to know what’s in the Dianetics book but I don’t want to give the scientologist any of my money. Back to “Goalism” until I think of a better name…
Then again this entry is way too long- looks like I didn’t even reach my objective. I’ll try again tomorrow.
7 comments:
I stopped reading after the title. I don't like it when people give titles to their papers. Or to their stories. My creative writing teacher had a thing about that. I tried to not title my story because I was lazy and well, I think it's a waste of energy. Like, if you want to know the point of the story, read it. I'm not going to make up some introspective name just so you can later hypothesize on what the title means to the story. It's like elementary Math class. "Math". "English". "Phonics". "This is that story I tell all the time about when I danced for Bill Murray".
I do title my blog sometimes though, just so people know what they are getting into. Poop. Pee. There you go. Straight forward.
Oh but hey, could you not have just said "suggested donation, thanks" and walk off with the book without paying? That's what I would have done. You should try it next time.
No, I meant the title of the article for which you supplied a link. It looks like papers I wrote in elementary school.
(tricia's friend roger)
oh oh oh I must comment on scientology. Save your money, because you can find all sorts of juicy scientology bits online.
The most important part (the part you have to spend years of training and thousands of dollars to find out) is that the religion is centered around an alien Xenu that burrowed himself in a volcano in the dawn of time. Your mysterious stress comes from evil invisible aliens ("thetans") that are somehow related to this. For more info watch "Battlefield Earth" with John Travolta!
ORRR
http://www.xenutv.com/
Goldmine of scientology insanity
oh wow!
thank you tricia's friend Roger!
Wow that was an explosion of information, Roger.
(me again)
Glad to share!
May I also advise to not give them contact information (ie address) or visit one of their facilities. They are very very pushy (as you saw) and will send lots of annoying mail for years (and years and years) to come apparently. They also apparently will keep you for hours for 'testing' and be as pushy as possible about it if you go to a facility!
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