i feel sick so i will try to tell my casino and pro football stories later. if i dont forget them.
oh god this book is back in harlem for the holidays i think. i hope i don't have cash when i past by the book stand.

I'm going to get a schedule soon, really.

i didn’t go to sleep last night. instead i worked until my parents came off 3rd shift then i went to walmart (regular) to buy a sports bra. then my mom and i went to rec center.

this is were i found that i am very ery out of shape. or maybe just tipsy and tired. i started on the treadmill at speed 4.7. that not really a run- still just a jog. about 5 minute into it thought i was really going to puke. i could taste the apco omelet and the baily's Irish cream. ew. so i slowed down to a brisk walk, then to a crawl. i didn’t want people think i was such a wus. even i was surprised. so i raised the incline so i was walking up hill. so its like 'yeah i don’t want to run i choose to walk up hill. its really hard too." so in the end it took 50 min to finish 3.5 miles. and that was only because i was really pushing myself. i suck.

i am so tired so i am going to dillions to eat a salad then im going to sleep.

its so weird that i can't sleep. i think its like i have no idea what my family's plans are that i just want to be up all the time? i don’t know. at least that’s what sunday-monday into tueday was. but my brother talked about seeing grandma today.

if worst comes to worse i guess i can sleep on the way to kansas city. no i am gong to sleep today.

cowley cinema 8 ain't bad

i forgot what it was like to come home with the aroma of smoke in my hair.

Rebecca and i went to o'kellys tonight. its a bar in winfield where i guess anyone my age would hangout. i ran into Anthony (my brother) and he bought me a drink. yay. then we chatted with lots of people that i dont really remember but who graduated with Anthony and Rebecca.

oh hey i don't know if Charlie is reading but we saw a girl and we couldn't tell if it was her or not. it would have been too weird to approach her because i was pretty sure it wasn't Charlie. I told them that Charlie looked more like a librarian. My brother and Rebecca both thought that sounded hot. so there you go Charlie.

funny how many people don't know a white russian or a mudslide.

then of course we came back to ark city and dined at apco-east. i don't know the real name. that's the trucker diner in the back of the gas station. no windows. oh we were going to ask to keep the menu for Tricia :)

i'm a little tipsy/tired now but i'm thinking im going to work now or maybe shower i don’t know. hopefully i wont have to redo anything tomorrow :)

YAY

well my check situation will work out. I called my old job and they said "we've been trying to get ahold of you, we have your check here." i was like, "i deposited it two weeks ago." then they said, "um we dont have record of another check but if california sent two then they probably canceled one of the them."

"yeah it bounced."

"sorry about that, I will fedex this over night to you."

"what about the fees? i have almost $100 in overdraft fees."

"send us the statment and we will send it out to california. They deal with the money."

Yeah so my job wasnt the bad guy, but i don't trust this california stuff. Tricia hates california production and i think i do too- they don't understand that we aren't all at the beach. we have to pay rent.

My ship is sinking.

i don't even care anymore. i'm going to let it take me. i give up. yesterday i had -$769.34 in my account. and this is what is looks like today:

12/14/2005 FEE/*OVERDRAFT CHARGE $30.00 -$835.11
12/14/2005 FEE/*OVERDRAFT CHARGE $30.00 -$805.11
12/14/2005 DRCTDBT/VISA-STARBUCKS NEWYORK $5.77 -$775.11
12/13/2005 CHECK/****** ($605.00) -$769.34
12/13/2005 ATM/105 W.125TH ST, NEW YORK $40.00 -$164.34
12/12/2005 FEE/*RETURNED DEPOSITED ITEM FEE $10.00 -$124.34
12/12/2005 OTHER/*RETURNED DEPOSITED ITEM $1,005.51 -$114.34


see the starbucks? yeah. i went to starbucks 3 days ago, when i had $900 in the bank. i payed with my credit/debit. now i will soon have another $30 fee for a $6 dollar coffee. see the other two $30 dollar fees? those are for the $40 i took from the ATM and the rent check. I am so fucked. yeah so i thought the best thing to do is post this on my blog.

i called the bank. and yes my paycheck bounce. the bank destroyed the check but they have sent a copy to me in the mail.i must wait for it. i must take the copy to my employer. to this i said, "my employer is out of town and i have no money. no money at all. i have $-835.11" she felt very bad for me. that was nice of her.

Its' not my fault

It's not my fault. a 1000 dollars suddenly disappeared from my account, i took 40 dollars out of the ATM, plus the rent check bounced... all today. fuck. no, the rent check sdidnt actually bounce. ok here:

i took out cash and the slip said i was negative 146.00. my first thought was "that's funny. oh, the rent check must have cleared and i must have put money into my savings. (yes i do have a savings account- i really try to keep money in there but it always turns into my safety stash when rent comes around.) wow I should be more careful and keep the money in my account when i know that checks are being cashed."
this was my thought and i went on my way running errands.

i remembered to check my account online jsut before i was going to defrag my computer and go to bed.

that's went i saw today’s date: $1005.51 returned deposited item. what?? what?? what is this deposited item that was returned? i only took out 40 dollars. i thought someone stole my numbers. i went looking for the card to make sure i didn’t leave it in the atm. i had the card.

that was a very specific amount. i remember depositing a sum that size. the check bounced? no. no my paycheck didn't bounce. right?

i called wamu to see what was going on . they didn't know. "but i deposited the check two weeks ago. it was in my bank and now its gone and i have a $10 fee for it missing"

oh, on top of that, my 40 dollars now has a fee of $30 and the rent check magically cleared so there is a $30 fee for Wamu covering my ass on rent. thats $70 plus my rent amount ($605.) plus the 40 i took out, plus the difference that what was left after my pay check bounce/held or whatever- bringing me to -769.43 in dept. this was not my fault. "you are charging me $70. dollars in fees when none of this was my fault??"

they had no answers for me seeing that is was 5:30 am. they said the answer will come at 10 am whent he bank opens. i must call them then. it's now almost 7. im going set my alarm and take a nap.

before all this i was going to talk about how i think i really do have diabetes. i guess that will wait. grrr

eggs are food

it's 2:42 am and someone's car alarm has been going off nonstop for a hour.

I have, in the past, done something that "might could" have gotten me killed.

This is the scenario: some person leaves their alarm on the most sensitive level and the neighborhood suffers all night because their lazy ass won't go out in the cold to turn their shit off.

it's still going off... im trying to restrain myself.

in the past...i couldn't sleep from some fucking person's car alarm. I finally could take no more. I jumped out of bed looked out the window. spotted the culprit. grabbed a sheet of staples printer paper, a marker and proceeded to the kitchen. grabbed my coat and a egg from the fridge. went downstairs- outside- up to the car. I wrote a little note asking them the please FIX YOUR FUCKING ALARM. tucked it under the windshield wiper and just to make sure they noticed it...slammed the egg on the hood.

ARG! its still going off

i'm not sorry. if they can afford a car and an alarm. they should fix it.

grrr

but that's not me now.that was a very stupid thing to do. I'm not trying to sleep. i'm going to be calm and listen to my head phones and work. plus i don’t have any eggs.

Burger King gave me herpes.

I'm kidding. But i do have very painful pimple on the side of my mouth. it became chapped from the cold and then it ripped when i opened my mouth. and now it looks like a horrible cold sore, but it's not.

I'm trying to think of how and when i developed this pimple. i can only think of last week when i ate a BK whooper meal. so yummy. did the fries do it?

my arm hurts from throwing snowballs from the roof at the 7th floor of the condo building across the street.

hmm i think Ani DiFranco is an acquired taste...

I saw RENT the movie, but first...

I was drawn to the musical 7 years ago. a little cheesy yeah, but I related to the over all feeling it captured. alone and trying to understand myself and others, going through some sort of transition and yeah trying to create art. I wasn't living with hiv or dying from tb but the bohemian tale appealed to me. and i like the new york feeling it had.

I am a dork. for years i have plotted how i would adapt Rent into a movie. and though at one time I could sing almost every cheesy over dramatic lyric, I always knew it was... cheesy.

on stage, i think it is technically an opera. there is very little talking at all. and most of the singing-conversations (in the second act) were either spoken or dropped out of the movie. I liked the darker side of Rent. the side that the movie seemed to neglect.

I think i can best compare the feeling to...
walking around in the east village at 3am on a winter night. no one on the street. dark. freezing. looking for an opened place to eat and use the bathroom. i think everyone in NY has been in that situation and has cursed about the fucking "city that never sleeps." feeling miserable. wanting a reason to live and wanting to be in bed. and well... that was my little dream to give to everyone. that along with some cheesy songs, taking place in the 90's and with less synthesized instruments.

Now about the movie,
the casting was great and the acting was good considering they spoke in rhyme. If they aren't going to sing the lines they should have written a script rather than just say the lyrics. and I wish Rodger had shorter hair so i wouldn’t have been reminded of the "lion-man" from the 80's tv series Beauty and the beast with Linda Hamilton. but that might just be me.

the editing/continuity was very confusing. i didn't see the point of dragging the events of one night into three days and nights. I guess so it wouldn't have been a "christmas movie." but la boheme also took place on xmas eve.

Songs and situations are rearranged for the movie format. that doesn't bother me, but it would be nice if characters didn't know one another before they even meet.

I didn't like the camera work. I'm not a cinematographer, but i care. there must be a book that film people read that says: to convey seriousness use a close up. to show everything is "out of control" use a handheld. to make something feel unsettling use a dolly zoom. arg they might as well have a caption that reads what emotion they are conveying.

i don’t feel like writing anymore.

overall i felt like the director, Columbus, didn't really take a chance. It's basically the musical on film at thompson square park and around there. and lots of talking in rhythm.

Rent!!

I finally finally received my last check from bluesky! this is great because i can now pay rent. i was down to my last $25.84. should i be ashamed to say that?

well i know my xmas present from mom. a plane ticket.

my dad has this dream of taking his kids to a kansas city chiefs game on xmas eve. he already bought the tickets for me and my brothers. i plan for dad to buy me lots of beer and a hotdog for this. We will be dropping my mom off at the casino. that's her new thing. she won't play tables though.

I have a project that i hoped to finish by Dec. 20th. this way i could visit my family and not have to hurry back, but looking at my schedule i can see it's not possible.