The Secret

Last night I watched The Secret. Yes, the film based on the book with the horribly-good infomercials about the "law of attraction." Why? because it was on Netflix and to make fun of that dumb chick that asked the universe for a diamond necklace. Excuse me...told the universe and herself that she deserved a diamond necklace. Unfortunately, she wasn't in the movie. I skipped some, but I don't think she was there.

Other than being way too long and like an infomercial, the overall message made sense... but I guess all general advice makes sense.

So, here it is, here's the secret. Here's what I learned on one of my god days:

• Stop wasting your time hating smug bastards and stupid assholes.
• Focus on positive things and stuff to be thankful for
• Set extremely high goals
• Don't give up

There was some other BS about the "law of attraction" which was really their main pitch. I can't say I buy into it, however I am looking for "inspirational" images for my goals collage...so far it reminds me of a context map with clips of my favorite movies.

I want this loft, Universe... and world peace.

Back to the other things, the ones I paraphrased and bulleted...

I can't help but be a little sarcastic about it, but I do think it's right. Positive thinking works in running marathons. I ran two fucking marathons of course I can pay rent and bills and get out of dept right?

God Days

Today is Monday, but I keep thinking its Sunday.

I gave myself a deadline to apply for the JF grant since it actually had no deadline. So, for the past 8 years I've began the process of writing a statement only to push it aside to do more "productive" things like look for work or do work once I've found work. Whenever I've had steady job my excuse was that I didn't have time to write proposals because I was going to save and produce films on my own.

Now, I haven't had a day job in over a year and although I get freelance gigs from time to time its never enough and definitely not enough to save for a film. So, then my depression sets in...which means less sleep followed by more sleep. Then an idea hits me which sets me on a manic race to finish a new project (or be at a good at place with it) even if it means losing a few nights sleep. This is my life. This week that race was applying to JF. After 36 hours of tweaking my proposal, storyboard and cover letter, I sent the package from at the James Farley Post Office on 34th street, because it was the last one open on Saturday night.

After which I walked down to union square to eat with Jose and friends. After which we all went to Beauty Bar (a bar that used to be beauty shop and kept the swivel chairs and manicures). After which, we walked to the westside and into the only open diner. The Hollywood diner, guaranteed to be packed at 5am by loose wrists and catty remarks, but the waiters are friendly. After which...we walked to the train while the sun came came up. Very Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Jose said, "Christi, you are having one of your God Days."

"My what?"

"Remember in SVA when you would stay up for a couple days at a time and called them your God Day?"

Yes, God Days was a term I coined for the my insomnia. You know, because my (our) days were twice as long as normal people. So I had a revelation one night, or day, that this ultra awake-ness was what it must be like when one is becoming a god. I'm sure I thought I was the first to feel like that too. It was also around the same time I was trying to make mead from vanilla extract and honey in order to become a goddess. I had no idea you could just buy the stuff, if I was old enough.

Wow, I was crazy. Then. Not now. No way. Really.

no drawings

My Indian name should be Lots of Little Paragraphs.

I am tweaking my Project Description for a second grant... which will be mailed this week. I also have court first thing in the morning.

Unlike the CC grant which was a series of very short essays, this one calls for one all-inclusive essay. Plus a script, storyboard, expense report and income budget. I'm still at a loss for how to write an income budget without income.

For the long essay, naturally I copy-pasted the shorts ones together and tried to make them not sound like half of a conversation. Now I'm finding annoying typos in the proposal I sent this morning. I also found old Project Descriptions dating back 8 years on my resurrected external drive .

Also on the drive was a large scan of the picture below (which was on my yellow portfolio site). This was my work setup in Morning Side about 2004. I still have that light box and mickey mouse glass. I sold the desk...what caught my eye was the cork board. I miss my 35mm.

I can see the paper plate from the laundromat where I first thought of this film. A film that was supposed to be my first non-student project but has turned into sort of an opus. Each year that goes by I feel more pressure to make it prefect. That's a lot of pressure. Actually it makes it harder to finish.

Man, even just this board is a time capsule. GenJets stationary. yeah, stationary. wow, with my Kiss Fish on it. Postcards from parties like Animators Ink and Motherfucker. A photo of my parents house, my business card with a dude falling, and a print of fish and bird that I drew on my moms computer in the summer of 99. Actually, this is all making me depressed about not finishing projects. I'm going to get back to the proposal now. No, I think I have to force myself to sleep.

F#ck yeah

First cover letter of the day written to a mural painting company and I submitted my film grant application to CC.